QUEEN EXILED TO ITALY
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QUEEN SYMPATHISES WITH MRS.B
The valley was shrouded in fog and PC had great difficulty in finding his way home after his morning glide on his Heelys. He could not really make out the castle but had a stroke of luck in taking the correct turning as he glided out of the wood. He was much relieved to find the castle looming before him ... almost a mirage.
As he dragged his ageing carcass up the stairs he could hear the Press Secretary talking to his dearly beloved wife.
"He's looking more and more haggard, you know"
"He can't last much longer"
"It will all end in tears"
PC had been listening quietly at the door and then burst in
"I am going to be around for a bit longer- don't be deceived by my gaunt frame" he said indignantly.
"We were NOT talking about you" said the Queen frostily as she placed her coffee cup on the side table.
"It''s only Mr. (B)Liar" the Press Secretary said reassuringly.
"Scotland Yard have questioned him for a second time in the cash for peerages scandal".
"Let's hope they go for the jugular" said the Queen fiercely and at that point the Press Secretary decided to opt for a bit of light relief. There was plenty in the Italian papers this morning. Mr. B's wife Veronica had written to the left leaning paper 'La Repubblica' asking her husband to publicly apologise to her.
"What on earth has he done to her?" asked the Queen somewhat puzzled.
"Oh, he just made too many flirtatious remarks to some very pretty young women in public" the Press Secretary replied.
They scoured the papers for more details - there was nothing in the Berlusconi run press of course and the left wing papers had had a field day, the feminists were overjoyed and Mr. B would be abe to joke about it, no doubt in future and even use it to his political advantage.
"Incredible - even the Prodi spokesman said he would give
Mr. B. ten out of ten for how he handled the whole thing".
"Can you imagine Cherie writing to the Guardian about Tony's little peccadillos" the Queen laughed.
QUEEN EXILED TO ITALY
QUEEN IS MOVED TO TEARS
To-day was an important day for the Queen. They were expecting a group of schoolchildren from the local Italian Primary school. The teacher was an unrepentant Anglophile and had pestered the Royal household with phone calls, faxes and emails. Her name was Rosa and she was not going to take no for an answer which had been perfectly obvious from the beginning. In the end, they had decided to give in although they agreed that it could be setting a dangerous precedent.
"I don't want those little perishers around my castle" PC had growled when told of the forthcoming appointment.
"Apart from your anti-child sentiments, could we please decide what on earth are we going to show them and what we are going to wear"the Queen had said crossly "and also, could I ask you please to stay off your Heelys in the castle grounds for the duration of the visit."
It was at that point that PC went into a sulk and refused to say anything else which was in a way a relief.
"Little wretches - I bet they will ruin everything in the courtyard" he muttered.
The Press Secretary and the Queen then decided the itinerary - basically just two royal apartments, a ballroom and a dining room for Royal banquets. These were sparsely furnished so there would be plenty of room for everything.
"In Italian or English?" she had asked
"A short speech in Italian, pretty simple and give a plug about
going back soon and how much you are enjoying your stay in Italy."
The day was bright and clear and as they made their way down the main staircase, they heard children singing 'God Save Our Gracious Queen'. As they stepped out into the courtyard, the paparazzi surged forward and for a brief moment the Queen thought she was on a Royal tour. Rosa was
ecstatic and the children greeted the Queen in unison
'BUONGIORNO REGINA'. They surged forward dressed in their blue smocks with little posies in their hands, thrusting them eagerly at the Queen and shouted questions which they had learnt specially for the occasion.
"Ow do you do, Mamma?"
"You like to stay in Italy?"
"What your favourite pasta?"
As she gathered up the flowers and thrust the posies into the Press Secretary's hands, she turned to them and they were tears in her eyes.
"Thank you so much for coming and I hope you will enjoy the visit to our wonderful castle".
"In Italian" the Press Secretary hissed.
"Oh no problem" said Rosa "my scholars speak very well the English!
Queen Exiled To Italy
Queen Rejoices At Gatekeeper's Arrest
"They have arrested the gatekeeper!" the Press Secretary said jumping up and indicating a paragraph in the Grauniad.
"Why on earth would they arrest our gatekeeper and who on earth would be bothered about him?" asked the Queen puzzled. Their gatekeeper was a sleepy old Italian called Luigi , faithful but a little on the slow side. They had nicknamed him 'Horatius, Captain of the Gate'
"Not OUR gatekeeper, Tony's!" the Press Secretary replied a little impatiently. He indicated a report which explained that Ruth Turner, known as Mr. Blair's gatekeeper, had been arrested in connection with the cash for honours scandal.She was believed to be the most trusted of Tony's aides and nobody , but nobody could get to see the PM unles they went through Ruth.
"That is excellent news" the Queen said. She knew that this meant that the net was tightening around the PM.
"The noose is tightening - he will be forced to leave under a cloud - just like Nixon and Watergate" she said
"Look - it gets even better, Scotland Yard's hackers have even got into the PM's computers and they are questioning another aide about missing e mails!"
"Excellent, excellent- this calls for a celebration - he can't last long and once he's out of the way there will be a new referendum and my subjects will want me back"
"Fetch some Prosecco -we really must have a toast to dear Tony so that he can enjoy early retirement and get out of the way!"
She moved to a cabinet which held the champagne glasses and took out four.
"Four?"
"I thought we should invite our own gatekeeper -knowing our Horatius he will not mind leaving the gate for a while. Call him at the gate lodge and tell him his presence is required for a rather special toast" the Queen said as she arranged the glasses on a tray.
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Queen Exiled To Italy.
Queen's Hair Day.
The papers were full of Jade Goody's eviction from Celebrity Big Brother. The sponsor had pulled out, there was a lot xenophobia, racism, insults and bullying in the air. Tessa had spoken out very clearly and made her views very clear so much so that the Queen did not even attempt to start a TAT (Tirade Against Tessa)
"I need a breath of fresh air" the Queen said and walked out into the garden.
PC followed her discreetly and then jokingly said
"Shilpa Poppadum stealing the limelight again?"
"Gaffe number 5,678 or is it just a joke - I never know with you, do I ?" she smiled sadly. The whole Celebrity Big Brother had upset her though and she was inevitably asking herself questions about how racist NERD society had become and the prospects of her leading a multi cultural nation once she got her throne back.
The Press Secretary joined them and they sat on the garden seat overlooking the drive. He held The Grauniad in his hands folded open at an editorial where a journalist described the programme's oganiser as saying that there had been a 'culture clash'!
"Eupemisms are so handy aren't they?"the Queen remarked bitterly.
They suddenly heard a car in the driveway and peered down to the front courtyard which was at a lower level. It was Mario, the Italian hairdresser pulling up in his silver coloured Smart. They had a fortnightly arrangement when he did the Queen's hair in the privacy of her own castle as she would joke!
He was dressed in black jeans, black T shirt and the outfit was completed with yellow trainers and a yellow trackie top with 'Cabbagetown Royals' blazoned on the back.
"Looks like a wasp" muttered PC. He sprinted up the steps and bowed deeply and addressed her Majesty with
"Good morning ma'am, may I wish you a very pleasant hair day!"
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Queen Exiled to Italy
Queen Debates Designer Babies
It was a dull wet day. The Queen was ever so glad that America Ferrera had won a Golden Globe award for her role in the Ugly Betty series. They had now got the satellite dish installed so that they were able to watch the series and the Queen had become an avid fan. She celebrated the good news about Betty by making herself another pot of Italian espresso coffee
"I never said my Betty was ugly " joked PC but nobody paid him any attention. He was probably sparring for a fight given that he had nothing better to do . Given the weather, it would be impossible to venture out on his Heelys.
The Press Secretary could see a difficult morning ahead and really they had nothing, but nothing to do. The Rome trip which had been planned down to the smallest detail had been abandoned for the moment given that the Italian Prime Minister, Romano Prodi was touring the new EU members and giving them his dozy advice. Journalists and the public were falling asleep during the press Conferences!
"The Italians are dozing off " the Press Secretary smirked
There were allegations of racism in the celebrity Big Brother House back in NERD and there had even been questions in the House. There were stories of the Indian actress being the target of insults and jibes. The show's ratings had shot up as a result and the nation gorged on a a diet of hatred and spite - just what the doctor ordered!
The Middle English Bible slipped to the floor and the Queen bent down to pick it up. She was rather shocked at what she saw. There were British women queuing at an American clinic to have designer babies. Everything carefully vetted, well educated healthy donors, good looking of course - even personality was carefully considered. Nobody wanted an Ugly Betty/Billy in their family, Golden Globes or not
"The babies supermarket -.... that is what it is" she said.
"Yep , my pretty Betty, you are dead right" joked PC.
"You pays your money ......"
"Well,"the Press Secretary laughed. "there is a risk of multiple births so .... buy 1 and you get 3!"
Nobody laughed and the mood was glum until they started discussing which Italian wine they would have for lunch.
Their spirits lifted when they all agreed that a red Sicilian Syrah would be perfect for such a boring day and would help them get though the afternoon !
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Queen admires Posh!
They had been walking along the woodland paths near Gubbio Castle. It was a most beautiful crisp day, the stark winter trees contrasted with the green hills below which still wore a mild coat of green. Italy was having its mildest winter in living memory. The sky was a brilliant blue and their spirits had lifted once they had left the gloomy castle.
They had come out of the forest and were admiring the view.
The Queen had not forgotten what she had read in the papers earlier about Posh Spice wanting to gain world fame. Hence the move to La Galaxy, with David signing the record contract.
"£126 million pounds ........ now that is a lot of money .... I could use that for several campaigns to get my throne back" she mused.
"Well, let's say they won't have any trouble reaching the end of the month" sneered PC who had been trailing along with his Heelys in his hand, hoping for a smooth path where he could use them. So far, no luck, all the paths were too bumpy and he did not want another fall.
"Could we not get their support .... I mean fly to LA and make an impassioned plea...., then start a tour of the States... they have loads of money, the Americans" she thought out loud.
"But you have no idea which side the Beckhams are on... we have no idea on how they voted in the referendum," countered the Press Secretary.
"I did cheer him on in the World Cup" she said defensively.
The Press Secretary decided that a change of topic was due.
Anything to get her off that madcap scheme of a tour of America !
"I see that Cherie Blair's friend Dwina is in the news again... an ex boyfriend has referred to her as a wild living bisexual Druid priestess fascinated by tarot cards, spiritualism and witchery! But she is generous, goodhearted, honourable and honest"
"And Dwina is an honourable woman,
So are they all honourable women" intoned PC.
"Time for some Italian pasta" said the Press Secretary briskly as they turned back towards the castle.
Queen Admires Ugly Betty and Dante
The Italian papers were full of Dante's nose that morning! The Press Secretary was rather surprised to find the Queen holding the Corriere Della Sera (one of the more respectable dailies) at arm's length as she tried to read an article.
"Need a change of glasses?" he suggested
"Possibly but I am just trying to make out the shape of Dante's nose ! " she added mysteriously.
The Press Secretary looked a little puzzled and the Queen went on to explain that scientists had now discovered that Dante maybe did not have such an aquiline nose after all - it was more probable that he had a rather crooked one and that it was a slighly flattened , more like a boxer's nose.
"You mean,like mine?" the Press Secretary smiled and the Queen laughed.
There was lots of talk in the NERD press about Ugly Betty and her programme on Channel 4. Apparently the days of flawless models and bodies and perfection were drawing to a close and people were empathising more with ordinary less perfect mortals. We should perhaps be proud of our real flawed selves.
"Any chance of getting Channel 4 here- I would really like to see Ugly Betty" the Queen asked
"She is so funny, sweet and we just love her so much" the Press Secretary sniggered, imitating the video clip he had seen about the show.
Then he remembered that the Queen had asked a question and answered.
" I can order a sattelite dish for the castle but we will have to get permission from the Cultural Heritage Body to put it up" he said.
"Maybe I will be back in my kingdom by the time that comes through" the Queen said hopefully.
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