Dreaming
...about ... going back to England - not for good, but just for a holiday. But just me... no hubby, no kids. And I would go on an anonymous jaunt - wouldn't actually go and see my friends - just spend time in London, see the sights, go shopping - just chill and sort of feel in familiar surroundings.
This is strznge for many reasons -
1. I am not the greatest at leaving my kids - don't like to do it and worry about them a lot when I am not there.
2. I am not actually a big fan of London. We normally fly in there when we go home but then get out of there ASAP. Even when we lived quite close to London I didn't actually go in that often.
3. I don't really miss England that much but if I am going to take time and have a break by myself then I want to go somewhere I know. So why not Germany or Italy? Dunno.
4. I have a 1/2 brother in London - would I look hom up? Probably not.
5. England is so expensive right now - but hubby still goes 2 or 3 times a year..so why shouldn't I?
6. Even though I would SO NOT go and see my family, I haven't seen them in over 3 years and then if anything happens to any of them I will feel even guiltier for having been in their country and not having seen them...
So I will probably just put it off a tad longer then....??????????
Up and down
If I can get into August I will be ok with it all. I have calmed down a lot the last 10 days. Didn't expect to do as well as I actually felt the first 3 or 4 days.
They had said that their blog updates would follow them on their trip but I didn't really expect them to. When I read of their travels I suddenly missed them more than I had imagined. I should just have left it alone.
I am being fine at home - playing more with the kids and getting on with things around here...but in the back of my mind I still have an itch to go and do something wild. No ones fault I am so bored at the moment - nobody but myself.\
I am missing the excitement I think - maybe that is the deal.
I wonder how it will all fizzle out or whether it will end up like some '84 Charring Cross Road' story.
It's similar to the way I expect my life will suddenly become mine again when all the kids are back to school. I have unrealistic expectations and then when it doesn't all click into place my depression kicks in and I just struggle to tread water on an everyday basis.
I need to learn to be content with my lot in life. Instructions would be gladly accepted.
Why
It was mistake, Adam had said . It was just so exciting, for a minute, to know someone else was interested.
Apparently I was to have been called Adam had I been a boy.
Despair
Currently reading a book where something terrible happens to a child. Probably one of those where you shouid just stop reading - but just in case there is some justice in the tale you keep going. Or at least I do. But it is making me think twice about everything with my own kids. What they do etc.
Equally, reading the local news about a family who were on their way to church and were hit by a drunken driver wiping them all out. It was just an ordinary day for them all and then that was it. All over. Who went back to their house - took in their everyday mess? Sorted out their laundry waiting to be washed -dealt with THEIR life?
Current state of mind today: NEGATIVE
Button
What is your button? By that I mean - what does it take to set you off? Don't we all have one - or do I just know people who do?
I think as a parent there are few of us who like to hear our children critisised. I know I always resent hubby saying negative things about our kids - but maybe I transfer his views to an attack on my parenting seeing as I do it more with the kids than he does.
I once had a friend who was quite refreshing in that he would call a spade a spade. He would say if his kids were being monsters - if they were driving him mad. Maybe as we were close once he felt he could say that. It was really different to hear the truth (I never met his kids). So much of the time there is that hidden pretense going on - all is hunky dory - never really being honest.
With me I know I also have the family trigger. In a row this can be brought up and immediately my barriers are down. It is like touching a raw nerve. But the person arguing knows damn well what he is doing. Bringing up the past..alluding to it having tainted situations where things otherwise would not have worked in my favour (almost like a different approach to affirmative action).
I know a guy whose weakness is his parents. He adores them. You can have a joke about them, sure but cross that line and you have found his button.
I knew a guy who had a problem with his brother. Never wanted to talk about it - he a;lways changed the subject. But you could tell - that was easily his button to press.
Maybe these would be the areas to delve into should you ever see a shrink. And for those of us who could probably do with such appointments but are in denial about it - these are the subjects we bury away in our psyche and hope not to dwell on too much for fear of opening up the can of worms. Sometimes that can mean shutting people out who know too much - avoiding the vulnerable risk. An expenditure. Call it what you will. But I think everyone at some stage gets this level of threat - their button - No?
feelings change
Hello long neglected blog....
My serious side..well it seems to be now, is revealed here so so very sporadically. I am not sure whether I have lost the urge to blog or I am just burying my head under the sand from anything remotely thought provoking.
Actually that is not necessarily true. A lot is going through my head and has been in the last few weeks, a scary amount of vulnerability opening up. And it scares me somewhat. Actually a fair bit.
I still have the mother conflict. I will always have the mother conflict. And every single day with my kids I vow to never go near that domaine. That the cycle stopped with me. I don't hide my emotionsd from my kids. I tell them I love them all the time and still I feel the need to tell them more.... And the majority of the time I am doing fine and then just something triggers a thought - a memory and a wave of depression flows over me once again.
And when I tell new friends the truth about my background...they are remarkably surprised. Often i hear 'then why are you so normal?' And whilst it feels like a pat on the back,,,,,maybe it also calls me to question how I am really doing with coming to terms with things.
I was reading something recently - can't remember what exactly- and it implied that if you have had an emotionally damaging childhood - especially those void of much affection - you can never really make up for it as much as you may try. If you have been rejected in such a way then you have a permanent fear of rejection again - so you never really let yourself be put in such a vulnerable position. You may love....but do you give it your all, can you possibly?
I over analyse a lot - especially with friendships. And normally it is something I just deal with. Recently I have been in contact with a very close friend from many years ago. We had shared lots of secrets - lots of growing up together - and also had the fallings out - the periods of time where we shut one another out. Then we'd be friends again - skimming the surface of what had happened previously but perhaps never really dealing with it properly. It felt so very right to be friends again - we were close once more...but I wonder how much of the friendship then was a band aid over things that had gone wrong before...?
Times moved on - we lost contact - went our different ways, married, kids etc. And now we are back in contact. It is strange. There is a click, certainly for me - like one of trust. But then I am terrified - not of the trust dying necessarily - but of the rejection. Again. It is not a healthy situation to be in - having said that it is wonderful to reminise when in truth I have very little of that time to remember in a positive light. This person can make my day with even an e-mail. But for all the brilliant memories conjured up and the easy flow of exchange there is still the lingering doubt. My ridiculous need (which shows in so many walks of my life) of affirmation. And it is driving me nuts.