me and the elk hitchiked to glencoe last week.  it was all very 'ethnic' (for the benefit of those of you who will appreciate quite hwat i mean).  We built fires (tried), camped by a river, swam in a river (kindof), hiked, read poems, wrote poems...man i am so on the edge.   It was really very cold as well...like cold to the extent of thinking...'if i cried would it help?'.  The answer is no.  So anyway- here are some of the people you might have met if you were me.  Or elk.

1)Young laydee from Dundee- PHD student in Stan- 3 kids- apparently i offended her by asking about them...i recon if i had 3 kids i probably would want to talk about nothing more.  Maybe that is a lie.
2) old man in a BMW.  enough said.
3)The bench man.  he bilds benches. he will show you every bench he built along the way.  Likes to state the obvious.  Doesn't like Dundee.  I felt the need to very excitedly shout "isn't that the ship that went to the antarctic?!'.
4)Guy in a rental car- very snazzy green, moved loads of stuff around to fit us in.think he was very bored- he really liked how neat the farmers keep their farms and fields in scotland.
5)LORRY!! The man smelt like Jenna's dad- it was nice to feel a little bit like i was at home in a 6" lorry.  He didnt like the lorry, his was being serviced and he thought the rental one was dirty.  Actually he could hjave been saying anything his accent was so thick- we understood every third sentence?
6)Asian dude- very eccentric- what was he doing on a backroad in the middle of nowhere in scotland?  Apparently he lived there. all very odd.
7)Park keeper, about a 2 minute trip. 
8)THE MOST WONDERFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.  In her landrover, going to pick up hay, one of the most educated, intellectual, interesting, captivating, glamerous, earthy and sad women i have ever met.  Like someone from a book. a really good book.  We got out of her landrover and knew everything about everything.  Stunned silence, broken by me saying 'if you are not in love with her there is something wrong with you'. 
9) Nice old chap who told us all about moving to Scotland because his wife felt like it was 'home'...she died a few months ago and he scattered her ashes on the west coast.  He seemed very peaceful.  There was a field with sheep in eating turnips.  I thought the turnips were rabbits.  Got very excited at there being so many rabbits. 
10)The most miserable man you ever met.  I dont know why he stopped.  I also cannot think of a sincgle thing in the world which would have made him happy.
11)A guy who reminded me of sideshow bob.  Not for any reason though- he didnt look like him, or talk like him...i don't need to have a reason though, its my story.
12)The sweetest little lady you ever met, really pretty with enormous, round, glasses- the size of her head.  In an orange car.  Going to fort william to pick up her daughter from her parents. she told us all about glencoe and how she used to camp there too.

...and on the way back...(n.b. its raining very very very heavily- elk is in his dead german's coat/sleepingbag, and i am in his raincoat because i took sunglasses instead of a coat, we are wet, and cold, and have been waiting about an hour, i keep losing 'i spy'...)
1)A really sweet french couple, they are on a year out teaching in schools in glasgow, have just been up to Skye...he has the most amazing eyes i have ever seen. We really didnt fit in their tiny car.
2)An Australian dude in another hire car, not at all clandestine Australian- straight out of the mold.  Perfect fit for the hat and shorts. Really nice guy.
3)The most awesome family. Mum looks like Dar Williams and is cuddling youhgest daughter who has scratched her eye, she smiles a lot.  Dad in front with other daughter navigating- he is a bit posh, and laughs a lot at his stories- typical dad.  They had left 'the boys' hiking, and were headed home for soup with 'the wimpy girls'.  I wanted them to take us home.
4) Aging rock star in a white van.  Talks for an hour straight about EVERYTHING in the world.  Had a number one in the 1980's (feels like he-e-e-eaven).  Tells us to never get into an unmarked white van- like his.  Hates alcohol (good job we didnt finish the brandy along the way like we planned) and drugs- he is NOT A SHEEP. politics are crap. Religion is wrong. Why do the Palestinians hit themselves on the head? He doesn't have a tv- it rots the mind (he saw the Palestinians hitting themselves on the head on tv).  His band are playing in Dundee soon. He likes Thin Lizzie.  He loves the native Americans because they are like the Scots- he hates Americans- he is overwhelmed because he thinks elk is native american ('i thought it when i saw you'), he has a spiritcatcher, man he loves that he has met a real kindred spirit.

and then we got the bus because we were late. the bus took a lot longer than more lifts would have.

i was really suprised by the people who picked us up- a lot of them had hitched themselves.  I spent half the time really feeling like the cheekiest person in the whole wide world, but i guess no one had to stop for us- and a lot of lot of lot of people didnt.

also went to London last week- Les Mis, Sigur Ros, Soho, the Generator hostel, Old friends, new friends, drunk friends telling old friends (whilst clutching their arm) 'you have been on tv...like gloria hunniford'...

and now- 10,000 words of essays.  up the creek.
debs
 

I keep putting off blogging because i keep thinking i have nothing 'deep and meaningful' to write but even when life doesn't appear 'deep and meaningful' i'm still living and it's still important...

So...it's Spring Break at the moment (not 'Easter Holiday' as lectures begin again a week before Easter even begins...) and i'm revising...woo hoo.  I have a mid-Semester assessment in a week so right now i'm trying to learn the names of some drugs, it's exciting stuff.  I'm actually surprising myself because although my head is tired of thinking, i'm actually interested in what i'm learning so it hasn't been too bad so far (it has only been the second day though so we'll soon see...)

Home was wonderful last week.

Oh, and i got a job as an auxilliary nurse for the summer

naomi xx

It's been a while since i wrote anything too but i've been re-inspired...

I also wanted to boast a little bit too - check out www.franzferdinand.co.uk and scroll down the news bit to read about a song called L.Wells (and watch the video too).  Lyndsey is one of my friends from home who lives in Glasgow, isn't that exciting?!  They wrote a song about her!  (I don't blame them, she's great, in fact the whole Wells family are great...actually i want to write about all my Liverpool friends...they're all great.)

I'm home at the moment, woo!  Marks and Spencer food, home cooking, a washing machine that cleans your clothes, fresh bread (and cooked breafast to be precise), a car, good wine, my own bed, normal accents...aaaaahhh, it's so refreshing.

naomi xxxx : ) 

i kind of gave up on blogging- but people keep saying it is time for some action...

i felt quite ill yesterday afternoon and went for a run in the snow to try to 'push through'...and i enjoyed being on my own and in the world- just in it.  The snow was kind of dappling the field...and i just felt so alive, so i danced...and then the more beautiful things got the more beautiful things there were to see- like the tree's which are really strong, i tried to touch as many of them as i could because they are all really different, i think i liked how real they felt- how dense and heavy- its reassuring when you yourself feel quite the opposite.  i like how when you are seeing the world as beautiful and alive the same places you have seen every day look so different- the ice on the gates into houses made me feel like i live in a world where alleys and paths lead to houses warm with promise and invite- daring me to believe in MYSTERY and good SECRETS.

I tried to remeber all the things i thought during that hour or so- everything became very clear but when i came to journal it didn't make sense in words.  One of the only things that really stuck was 'cost'...like when you think having stuff on the cheap is a good plan when what you really want costs a lot- you end up paying ultimately because you sell out- sell a part of yourself.  'Nothing' can cost everything. 

I think sometimes it's easy to believe that because the way i want to live my life can appear intense and that that is wrong and makes me crazy...im trying to read the bible at the moment- the stuff about jesus- its interesting stuff i am thinking about people is like stuff i am thinking about jesus- as if he is as real as a person (which is a big deal...if he is a real person this all becomes a lot easier- and ultimately worthwhile- True even!!).  So stuff like 'trust'- when i want to know if i can trust someone, i dont need extravaence (offputting), i need the small stuff, i need someone to be gentle with me, a lot of my relationships have been about me being strong for someone else and im reluctant to put myself in a position where i have to perform for someone, to entertain them...and like i say- stuff i believe about people is ultimately connected to stuff i believe about God...so perhaps this is why i am 'struggling' with the big JC too, like part of me believes i am just 'dancing' for him, when i want to dance with him....

So we just set up the 24-7 prayer room, starting tomorrow night in sunny St Andrews...quite a lot of slots still empty- maybe something to do with the fact we didn't tell anyone it would happen until this weekend.
me and God are really not on first name terms at the moment, its hard.  Hard hard hard.  I have a lot of agenda's and i realised that having an agenda with God is as destructive to your relationship as it is when you have an agenda with another person ('i want to make them love me', 'i want them to understand my 'signals'', 'i want to have what they have').  I guess it's nothing to do with 24-7, but me and naomi were chatting today about 'unconditional love'- especially in relation to people who are- how should i put it, very easy to love.  I think unconditional love is one of those infinite regress issues though,

-'I love them because i want something' is bad....
-I love them because they are lovable....is also not unconditional because it is a product of my opinion
-I love them because they are worth loving...i don't think i could honestly say God has changed me enough that i see everyone as 'worth' the same- they are still 'worth' something in relation to how i feel about them

....So the regress has to lead back to unconditional love not for individual people, but in general- for anyone and everyone, otherwise it isn't unconditional, it's conditional on their being who they are to me.  Im just not sure ill ever get there, but will my love for anyone ever have integrity if i don't?  Just a thought...

Anyway, 24-7...excited i think.  There are loads of people i want to come along...i hope they do...i will try not to leave my journal there again this time...slightly awkward when your 'top 10' gets published round town (ONLY KIDDING- i only have a top 1...it begins with 'J'....)

Bye for now
DebOrah

(...esus).

So, this is going to be measured and non-hysterical.  Me and Dar are officially friends.  She obviously had hoped it would happen too because when we were talking after the gig she touched my arm and told me my dress was pretty. 

Go to see Dar play- it's dangerous admittedly, you will come away having three folk playing women to love instead of one which makes it three times harder to explain that you are only 20, and like cool music really.  GET OUT!! I am proud- i looked at these women and i felt understood- i recon so much music around fits the mould and does so without any real call for having really engaged with life in any meaningful way- hmm, thats not to say that people's life experiences are less valid than others (here i go trying to define a life i should just live again).  Ok, ill try again- the places these women have been, the loves they have experienced, the things they hope for, the way they think- all seem so real to me, Dar's songs are like stories- she really thinks- i like that.

Two weeks of holidays from Stan on Monday- aims;
1) Read novels- i have a stack i need to read and a list im looking for, European literature mainly- lots of travelling so time to do so.
2) Play piano an hour every day i am home. 
3) Quality time with Amy, David and Wend and Bri.
4) Stay fit.
5) (a) Go to the stables as often as i can and stay inconspicuous because the farmer who owns it actually hates me. (b) Not get into a fight with him.
6) Trawl charity shops for some new wildly grannyish china- a new semester of tea awaits.
7) Try to even out the balance of girl love and re-discover boys i love, including but not limited to *Sufjan Stevens, *Patrick Wolf, *Jeff Buckley.

Sunday is the great women's regional frisbee tournament.  Feeling like it will either be great or awful, still looking for the inner aggression and ability to throw and catch.  Short term aim for today would be to not find myself on the beach at 2am trying to throw in gale force wind in 20 jumpers over the clothes i went out in.

Here endeth the lesson.
David is hovering outside, we said we would spring clean today :-(