So, Amnesty are calling for bloggers to take a stand against censorship, following imprisonment and possibly torture of a few bloggers cocksure enough to assume that they have freedom of expression in such states as Iran and China.

Though taking a stand in order to be ungagged is certainly commendable, these web journals are hardly about to win any awards, are they ? If these so-called bloggers hope to win the Zoo award for blogging, they'd better get off that soapbox and start soaping up. These weekly mag pioneers have scholastically identified the ingredients of an essential award-winning blog :

So you think you've got some funny jokes or stories? Or do you have loads of sexy pics or videos, or links to them? Or perhaps you are a sexy model who wants to entertain the ZOO world with your own pics, vids and stories?

After all, what is freedom of expression if not the freedom to impel a horde of Carling-swilling football-loving townies to bat one out over a picture of your chebs ?

Hey guys. Phwew! Busy few months. Don't worry though - I'm still around. I've just been spending lots of time with my Great Mate. Here are just a few of the things I've been up to :

- Went fishing yesterday. It is great the way God provides! I would have caught no fish normally; but with God guiding my line, I caught twelve. Which is exactly how many disciples there were! God is always in the detail.

- Went for a bike ride with Jesus a few weeks ago. Ha ha, I bet some of you think that Jesus was literally riding a bike with me! Well, in many ways He was. He is always with me, guiding what I do. And He parted the clouds, just like He did the Red Sea. Well, obviously it was Moses that parted the Red Sea. But on Jesus's say-so, no doubt. Anyway, the weather was beautiful, and I saw some rabbits in a field. Isn't nature wonderful ?

- I took my mother's cow to market, and swapped them for some Jesus Beans. My mother got angry, and threw them out of the window. "How could you swap Bessie for some fucking Jesus Beans, you stupid cunt ?" she bellowed. When she looked out of the window the following morning, and saw a massive mile-high Saviour reaching up to the clouds, boy was her face red!

Oops, gotta run now. And I haven't had time to tell you how bringing Jesus to bed with me has really improved married life in a certain department recently! Wow. Anyway, catch you guys around. And don't forget, even when I don't seem to be around, it doesn't mean I don't love you. And it doesn't mean that Jesus don't either! Take care!

With due respect to texts :

You'll be pleased to learn that I've found something equally as good as gin for greasing the colon. Olives. By the bucketload. Yum, plop.

Hey guys - guess what ? Since the move of various 20Sixers to other platforms, a new crazy game has come to light! It's called 'Comment Using Someone Else's Name And Details', and it's just *so* much fun! For example, you can use it as a tool to get the heart of such serious matters as grammar and spelling!

Why not try it ? It's a great way to garner some self-satisfaction, without fear of personal reprisal, just before you cry and/or wank yourself to sleep!

• eat sub-vegetable #2
  
• wash area that sub-vegetable #2 previously occupied
  
• eat sub-vegetable #1
  
• wash area that sub-vegetable #1 previously occupied
  
• eat primary vegetable
  
• wash area that primary vegetable previously occupied
  
• eat meat
  
• wash area that meat previously occupied
  
• wash cutlery
  
• wash entire plate again (to be sure)

Is it wrong that I want to slice off his legs, peel off his skin, and then throw him into the sea ?

Corporate image can say a lot of things about your company, Aleida York tells me. Hmmm... I probably could do with an image overhaul. And people who send me emails offering to update my corporate image and website with an email in Times New Roman, on a cyan background, and who spell logo 'Ioqo' are my natural first choice.

Je5u5 wept.

So, it's coming to that time on 20Cliques when people are excitedly panicking and jumping ship; but not before some make half-arsed attempts at bestowing some recognition on members of their immediate peer group. However, it seems to me that there have been some fairly obvious omissions from the current run of 'awards'; so allow us here at the Stench Academy to suggest (by which I mean impose) a few extra categories. Although I can't be bothered with all this tedious mucking about with requesting nominations, and actually collecting votes - so we're cutting straight to the winners :

The Wrong End Of The Stick Award
This is a toughie. There was this multiple suckering. Although a very recent new entry into this category is MJ-hereandnow here, which must win for the simple reason that surely no-one would miss the joke - but evidently someone did.

The Sycophant Award
...goes to Knobber ;o)

The Stooping To Bringing Someone's Baby Into A Petty Dispute Seemingly Entirely Concocted In Their Own Head, Whilst Disabling Comments Award
...goes to thumped.

Oh. It appears to have been taken down. Not like it was in bad taste, or anything.

The Should Blog More Often Award
...goes to Beso.

The Visceral Award
...goes to Splurge.

The Who I Would Most Like To See With An Eyepatch, A Wooden Leg, And A Parrot Upon Shoulder, Steering The Ship Award
...goes to Norah.

The Can't Be Bothered To Write An More Of This Entry Award
...goes to me.

Opinions on this entirely arbitrary post are welcome. On someone else's blog.

There seemed hope until I heard her sing. I'd have sworn she was miming; but in pragmatic terms, there was no way she could have been. It just wasn't her.

This presented a much bigger problem than there had been before. Being mortal was no longer enough. I had not talent to match this; and the only noble thing to do would be call game over. The line had been drawn about as clearly as it could have been.

But the deciding factor had also made me realise - more so than ever before - that I was just so crazy in love that my throat and edges were about to pop out.

Its such a burden knowing that you never have to want for anything!? There seems almost little point in blogging working your ass off for more than most average people earn, as your gonna be richer than God by the end of it, and just use your salary to pay your servant to wipe your arse with the remainder??!!!?

And not that my servant is with me 24/7 ?!! Sometimes I even have to clean my own arse!!?? Thank God for my pearl bidet!? See - even I have to buy regular, day-to-day items too!!?

But I am just a normal person, with normal concerns!? I dont eat gold bullion in platinum sauce - Im just a regular joe!?!! I have to even pay for things sometimes??!! Not my nice house, obviously - but paying for drinks is so expensive in Kensington, its practically rent!!? Not that I pay for them either, obviously?!

And dont forget that things can go wrong for the banks looking after my bullion too!!?? Although theres insurance companies for that type of thing!? By which I mean daddy??!!?

So before you point your fingers at me, and claim I'm just a poor little rich girl, think about this... I even have to do my own blogging!? How lowly is that?!!? I should get a fucking medal!?!

I have a thin black plastic disc with a tight spiral groove on each side and a hole in the middle, which will make sounds when put upon a phonograph. Is this some kind of record ?

Happy birthday Victoria.

When it came to A&E it had "no output", apparently. Which makes it sound like a machine. Like a battery. Or a transformer. Or something that runs XP at least.

And what are muscles for if not to pump chests ? And breathe. Find a space.

Usually the curtains are drawn to stop the patients from seeing the carriage draped in blue being pushed past. But even the staff couldn't quite get their heads around the fact that this vessel was hand held.

He asked if it was acceptable for a man to cry. I found it difficult to empathise with the position where one might have to ask.

I'd hate to be a doctor.