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THE JEB SHOW

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Check out radio internet comedy stuff with THE JEB SHOW! Tuesday 8 - 9 central.

moving to chicago has been a real flip upper in the clop.  pretty good and loads of challanges.  I haven't taken any pictures since i've moved here, i've spent most of my time around comedy underground, for now.  and watching upstairs downstairs (up to season 5 now.)  but yeah, here is a scene i wrote, the assignment was "clash of context" (something doesn't fit.)  it's a little different than the one i wrote for class (in the class version ed and edna are not jacob's family,) but i think it's better cause of the family relationships bizzle. 

anyway without further ado

“CockFight”
4/4/06
Tony Blanco

Cast

Jacob - SugarFoot’s Handler
Dr Moreau - Experiment 7’s handler.
Edward - Jacob’s son
Edna - Jacob’s wife
Barker - in charge of the fight
(we mime the chickens)
IN THE BARN BY THE STABLES.
JACOB
(holding and stroking a chicken)
I hope your little fancy “science chicken” is ready to get whupped, cause ain’t nobody puttin a hurtin on sugafoot tonight.
DR MOREAU
(standing next to a box)
Boast while you can, peon.  Sugar foot will bow to the mastery of Superior Genetics.
(squawking and rustling from inside the box)
JACOB
Sugafoot’s won 20 fights in a row.  To the death, son.  To the death.  Sugafoot killed Double Barrel.
EDNA
Tell em, husband.  SugaFoot put the gaff right through that other chicken’s eye.  Killed it one lick.
DR MOREAU
Experiment 7 is the future of poultry.  It has been Genetically Optimized to maximize chicken lethality. 

EDWARD
That sounds like one mean chicken, mister.  Why don’t you let it out the box so’s we can see it?
EDNA
Shut up, boy.  Yeah, Like what the boy said.
EDWARD
Sorry Ma.
DR MOREAU
In due time, in due time.  Tonight my children, we dine on SugarFoot.
(crazed squawking from inside the box)
JACOB
You jess keep talkin your fancy science mouth and wait.  My pretty Baby gonna Dust the stables with your chicken’s carcas.
BARKER
EveryBody Place your Bets!  Sugar to Win 2 to 1. 
EDNA
Gimmie ten on Suga fuh mah beh bay.
BARKER
That’s ten on Suga.  Ten on suga, Ten on Suga.
EDWARD
Gimmie twenty on the godless freak.
JACOB
What’s the matter with you, boy!
BARKER
That’s twenty on Number 7.  Will trainers prepare the combatants.
JACOB
You better say your chicken’s Prayers, boy, Suga foot Looks Mean tonight.  My pretty little SugaFoot gonna kick the science chicken’s ass.  Aintcha gonna do it baby?  Aintcha gonna kill that godless freak of nature for your daddy?
DR MOREAU
Your mouth flaps, but i do not care.  You all shall Learn who is MASTER!!
BARKER
Save it for the fight.  Save it for the fight.  Now we all know the rules.  I want a clean match.  You two shake hands and when I say the word, the chickens come out swinging.
(Dr Moreau Whispers to his box.  Jacob strokes his Shugafoot.)
EDNA
Come on SugaFoot!  Come on Jacob!
EDWARD
Yay, Experiment 7!
(Edna Slaps Edward)
BARKER
And LLLLLLLLLLLETS GET READY TO CHICKEN FIGHT!
(a bell rings)
(Dr. Moreau opens the box.)
(Jacob releases SugaFoot.)
JACOB
What the hell?  It ain’t got no feathers!
EDNA
That Thing’s got two heads!
EDWARD
And Teeth!
DR MOREAU
Experiment 7!  Maneuver 13! 
JACOB
Run, Sugafoot, Run!
(Group Winces in Unison)
BARKER
Oh my God.  That freak just bit SugaFoot’s head clean off!
EDWARD
Yay, Experiment 7!
(Edna Slaps Edward)
(Jacob is Stunned)
JACOB
SugaFoot!  NOOOOOO! Not my Baby!  Not my baby!
BARKER
And the Winner is... Experiment 7!
DR MOREAU
Excellent.
EDNA
You Monster!
(Dr. Moreau Feeds Experiment 7 a Treat.)
JACOB
(Pointing a Dr. Moreau)
You did this to me, with your heathen science.  I’ll Get you but Good!
DR MOREAU
I wouldn’t do that if I were you.  Experiment 7 is very protective. 
(Jacob is held at bay by invisible mutant chicken)
JACOB
You wouldn’t be so high and mighty if you didn’t have your fancy little D N A chicken to protect you. 
DR MOREAU
Ahh, but I have, my dear hillbilly, I have.  The World ought prepare, For I, Dr Moreau shall be king of all the mutants and enslave humanity forever, HA AHHAHAHAHAH!
JACOB
(crying)
I can’t believe I lost my Sugafoot!  I loved that chicken so much.  I’m gonna miss it so bad!   Oh baby!  My poor poor sugafoot.
EDNA
Oh Baby.  What are we gonna do now?  Little Billy Gotta go to college.
JACOB
You gonna have to go sit on them eggs.  We need to breed another champion.
EDNA
There’ll never be another Sugafoot.
DR MOREAU
Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhearing.  But I think I might be able to help.
JACOB
Ain’t you done enough already?
DR MOREAU
Perhaps I might be Persuaded to let Experiment 7 go, for the right price.
EDNA
What Price?
DR MOREAU
Your Son.  Let him come to my Island.  I’ll Educate Him for free.
EDWARD
Can I dad, Please? 
JACOB
And we get that monster super chicken?  What’s the catch?
DR MOREAU
No Catch.  Just a great education at a great price.
EDNA
I smell a catch.
JACOB
Yeah, I don’t trust him neither.
DR MOREAU
Ok, ok.  I might experiment on your son a little bit.
EDWARD
Oh Boy!  I wanna be a Lion-Man!
DR MOREAU
Sure, Sure.  You’ll be whatever you want.
EDNA
Are you sure son?  This is what you want?
EDWARD
I always wanted to be a God!
DR MOREAU
You will, Eddie, you will.
EDNA
I’m gonna miss you so much.
EDWARD
You too mom.
JACOB
Dr. Moreau? I think you got yore self a deal.
DR MOREAU
Excellent. 
JACOB
Come here Experiment 7.  Give your new daddy a hug.
(blackout.)

fficeffice" /> 

INT. CAFFE COTTAGE.

DANIEL is playing a game of chess with an unseen opponent. MR BELEVEDERE is watching over his shoulder.

MR BELEVEDERE

So does this guy stand a chance or what?

DANIEL

Uhh, no. (beat) I don't think so

MR BELEVEDERE

We're gonna do a play, You wanna help us?

DANIEL

What's in it for me?

MR BELEVEDERE

Gonna raise money for the chess club, get a new board, maybe sponsor a tournament.

DANIEL

A play?  Who cares?

MR BELEVEDERE

I don't like the way the world is being run.  I'm despairing in humanity.

DANIEL

You are wasting your time

MR BELEVEDERE

(he's Struggling to find his words)

We're just, We're... Declining! Decreasing, but not fast, like. ffice:smarttags" />America was the top, now it's falling but almost so slow that nobody can see it.

DANIEL

It's as water erodes a mountain, very gradually.  Check.

MR BELEVEDERE

Yes.  And that's why we need to do the play.

DANIEL

You want to get a play?

MR BELEVEDERE

I want to write a play.

DANIEL

Why you?

MR BELEVEDERE

I'm talented.  I'll write a good play.

DANIEL

How do you know?

MR BELEVEDERE

I'll write a good play.

DANIEL

ok.  What's it about?

MR BELEVEDERE

It's a play about chess.

DANIEL

(pause)

Go on.

MR BELEVEDERE

It's this world of the future, everything is polluted and it's all overpopulated and the government keeps the number of people down by making them play chess... TO THE

DEATH!

DANIEL

Ok. (breaths) So who is the hero?

MR BELEVEDERE

Just a rag tag chess guy trying to get by in a world he never made kinda dealy. give him a daughter or a dog or something.  Something for the humanity angle.

DANIEL

Who's he gonna play?

MR BELEVEDERE

Something really evil.. Like,  a monkey from Russia or a computer... terrorist... something, they can play chess, huh? Something like a robot monkey alien terrorist that plays chess. It doesn't matter.  Just gimmie something that'll look good when it dies.

DANIEL

How you gonna kill em?

MR BELEVEDERE

Government issue spring loaded chess chairs.  The loser is catapulted into space.  Going with that whole "Chess" theme, thing. (taps forehead) right here.  This is where the magic happens.

DANIEL

I see. Why chess?

MR BELEVEDERE

Uh... the government wants smart people because... uh.. they know stuff.  They can do stuff, and stuff.

DANIEL

(painful sigh)

How about... One game is the whole story, with lines and actions that people say represent the moves they would make on a chess board.

MR BELEVEDERE

And then Kill the Loser!  You got it.  You know the score.  We're gonna make chess FAMOUS.

DANIEL

Chess does not need you to make it famous.  Check.

MR BELEVEDERE

But the death, that's the big thing.. Chess AND death.

DANIEL

People don't care about death. Everything's dead these days.  It's been done to death.  Beating a dead horse.

MR BELEVEDERE

A horse.  That's an idea. No, Just Chess to the Death.  I can see it.  Playing chess... .  It'll be Huge!

DANIEL

Make the chess the big deal, Make people feel like they are in control of an entire army.  The audience becomes generals in mortal combat, having a real effect on the outcome of the whole life game thing.

MR BELEVEDERE

(after a short pause)  but we need it to be entertaining.

DANIEL

Its entertaining if bodies are just on the stage, jumping around and doing stuff. (to the game) Dammit!

MR BELEVEDERE

Dude, you should BE the play, I mean, you totally ARE the play, and IN the play, you'll be IN the play too,  but the writing... it shouldn't...  Just leave it to the professionals.

DANIEL

Oh my god.  Now i'm in check.

MR BELEVEDERE

(writing it down)

This is perfect!  Now... I'm... in... check... that is JUST what some chess dude would prolly say, I bet.

DANIEL

This can't be.. Oh man.. I can't believe this.  Why am i listening to you?

MR BELEVEDERE

What's the matter?

DANIEL

He beat me.  I don't believe this.

The spring-loaded chair beneath DANIEL releases, projecting him through the ceiling.

MR BELEVEDERE

Now who wouldn't want to watch

that?

J:  so what do you think?  does this guy stand a chance?

m:  eh, no.  not really.

i take it back.  i dunno what i'm doing today.  feeling kind of weird. 

but i got a job, even though i've made no visible headway.

i bet it was tough for mary to push the baby jesus into the world, being a virgin and all.

i'm gonna head out into the world with my book of sudoku and just do it up as best as i can.

i'd like to sit for a while and write and share all that i have with you guys but you know. it's just one of them days.

But this time i'm taking the introduction to comedy writing at the Second City Training Center.  I'll be heading into town in a few to see what the deal is on finding the place.  That's not so true.  I found the place my first night in town, now i just have to recreate that special moment of going there, only this time to actually see what it means when those people want to teach me something.

There's been some homesickness, some missing friends and family, some missing kitties, but for the most part i'm begining to adjust.  I'm still writing all of my stories and notes and though i have yet to be on a stage again, it won't be long till i get my shot.  Though i do want to watch a bit before throwing my hat into the ring, laying down the gauntlet, beating the dead cliche so to speak.

I read a book, "off magazine street" about 2 alcoholic english professors in new orleans raising a 17 year old girl while trying to get into her pants.  It was made into a move called "a love song for bobby long" with john travolta.  I highly reccomend both.  funny/moving/cringe worthy experiences and the two works are significantly different enough to merit all that shit bla bla

this weekend i spent with my cousin who lives in chicago. 

sleeping in an easy chair at my cousin's apt in chicago with his cat jeff on my head i'm having a memory of something that may or may not be a dream.  I remember that he and his brother have a job working as couriers for the CIA delivering top secret information and hand held nuclear devices.  the cat is chewing on my hand and i'm thinking, "if this shit is real, i'm totally using it in my act."

Later that morning as we are going to catch the bus to go to his work i ask him "do you deliver packages for the CIA?"

he says, "not anymore, But i did for the Manhattan Project back in the 40's."

I hung out at his Job for a while, getting to know his co-workers and chatting with his boss about the possibility of me getting employment and then started walking around randomly in chicago.  It's all a big grid so it's pretty easy not to get lost.  I bumped into wrigly field and got free tickets to the improv olympics. 

The previous night My cuz was bouncing at a local yuppie bar and i was tagging along, mostly hanging out with him and the other bouncer in the little cul de sac before you go inside where they check the id's.  There's a little gas space heater and near the end of the night one of the waitresses came out wearing a little fru fru tu tu and asked if she could stand next to the heater.

Seconds later she was on fire and i was slapping her in the ass trying to put it out.  Soon we dropped and rolled her butt and everything was ok.  I lauged very hard and kept repeating "that was the really realest real."

I was a Leetle bit inebrieated at that point.

My goal for this week will be to complete my resume, gaurnteed to be a master piece in creative writing.

i used to make fun of all you northerners for the cold.  i remember.  mmmmm those words are tasty now.  as is this shoe.  brr.

luckily i found the tony chachere's so at least it has a touch of season.

hi everybody.

just got into town the other day and set up my frankenstien computer.  started leeching the internet off of the local world peace orginazation and am now back in business.

tonight i'm going to some kind of a goodbye journalizt party at the billy goat tavern, home of the saturdaynight live skit (cheeseburger cheeseburger pepsi no coke.)  then who knows what.  i'm waiting for the lafayette people to come back to town so i can start the networking buzz. 

i'd like to fix up my resume and get the hedshots printed so i can start selling my self to theater companies and comedy clubs like a fine call girl at the republican convention.

hope everyone has a great new yearz and let 2006 rock the hizz