I wonder about my soul mate tonight

Bet hes smoking grass

his hair is graying more and more and I worry about him, sometimes.

I forget about him sometimes.

I thought his name was Chris.

In my dreams he was blonde and his name was Chris.

But here his name is arabic. here hes not.

I havent seen him in months. maybe half a year, maybe more.

But its ok cause I know he knows.

'Why wont you let me?' he said.

'I dont know, I cant, I wont let anyone...' comes from me.

'But you and I, I know we understand each other.' him.

'Yes. we do. I'm sorry.' me.

And then I was ashamed cause i'm a coward and I wouldnt let him see me ever though i know he sees me anyway.

One day ill pick up my phone.

one day ill send that email.

but its too hard today.

cause we've from two different places and I dont know if I can be there for you and your weaknesses because i'm not used to having to be strong.

AND I LIED TO YOU

fuck.

you of all the people you.

Because i was a coward then and now and always. Cause i'm still not that cool.

can you still be my friend. when i tell you the lies? will you leave my soul?

phantoms

shadows

reflections

PIECES OF FORGOTTEN PEOPLE

condensation

haze

fog

It's getting better. It's becoming what I wanted. I will be real one day.

It'll be what I dreamed but I'm a bitch like that. I'm a dick like that.

hehe knobjockey, awww jean you make me laugh.

*ahem* anyway

Cause whenever the ways become clear, because whenever they say they love me.... I dont want them anyway.

Why is that?

TANGENT

Tracy emin, ya know the piece she did where she lived in that little space in a gallery for days with nothing but some paint and brushes and tried to rediscover her style, what was it called, cant remember, anyway. Wasnt it great? Well i think it was. And i think blogging did that to my writing. I think blogging brought me somewhere really dark that I hadnt been in awhile, or that I didnt allow myself to go. And im glad I went there again. Im glad I remembered who I am. So thank you for that. Because I think i was tryin to become someone else, I think I was a jigsaw of other people. And now I found me. My writing voice anyway.

So what I'm wondering is if you can ever be happy.

and if so what do you do when you get there?

Because once happy becomes normal surely there's got to be something higher than that, another level of happy? No?

Or maybe there isn't.

So maybe we should stop striving for happiness cause fuck, what if we get there and there's no higher level?

x

so is she not going cause I'm going?

cause that's so uncool.

so is she not going cause I'm going?

because dude!

right so she wasn't going anyway, right?

I aint dealing with that shit.

I mean I've dealt with that shit, that shit aint coooool so I ain't dealing with her shit too.

I want someone older

I want someone smarter

I want someone SORTED

 But there's no one is there?

Cause I've done the issues cause I've done the angst.

Let's get married and get drunk and have sex in public places?

I don't want to have to deal with your irrational fears.

Yes I know.

I dont care.

I'm just not doing it.

Yeah man whatever, nah I'm not miffed, like it's all good.

Not like I was thinking about her.

Not like I cant stop.

Not like it's an addictioncrutchcrutchcruth

SHE IS NOT MY OXYGEN

It's cool, I mean I still like her and what did she say anything about me? Oh, right, well whatever, I mean she's cute and I'd still, I wouldn't say no, but I'm not looking for anything.

I'm not looking for anything.

I'm just floating.

But my wrist hinders me somewhat. What with the chains and all.

I wish she was going.

I got my hair cut.

I wonder if she'd notice.

I'm not in the mood now.

I've slumped.

Cause at least before there was hope of presence.

Now there is only promise of absence.

We're there and it's dark.

Not too dark, a smokey dark, a black and white detective movie dark.

The music's rocky, indie, punky. She jumps to The Cure.

And there's him and him and him and them and the others; hers.

I never did get on very well with women - I feel awkward. I'm a slut with the boys.

Gimmie back my money, no I dont want a drink.

He leaves. He was my comfort. I take refuge in another him, him with the baggy jeans and skater runners. We talk of foundation and eye-liner.

Cute she's cute.

Black hair. Blue eyes. Punky, gothy, suicide girl.

You do, uhhuh, oh yeah me too, right cool, mmm, hi, hi, you sexy goose.

And so we dance. And they swarm around us cause my skirt is too short and she is far too hot. And it's fast and I dont want her to go that was too fast no no no but its not over and that's good. . . . . . . .

Cause I wont let go of her.

Cause she thinks I'm sexy. Cause she thinks I'm perfect. Cause she's biting me and licking me and I'm pretty sure my lips are bleeding.

Shit I hope her brother doesnt kick the shit outta me. SHIT.

But he doesn't instead he makes an effort, instead he becomes my friend, we comedy dance and I wonder if he watched us.

And again she's gone. I should have said more. I should have told her. Cause she never came back. Not like that. From then on her eyes were a little glazed, her heart was a little further from my reach.

She kissed me goodbye.

We swapped numbers.

I left her a 'hope u get home safe' text.

No reply.

I think that I can live with this,

wow.

I think that I can be yours when you want me,

god.

I think I'll be ok with you in tiny tiny tablets.

im finding more and more that im hating blogging.

it makes me itch.

i know it sounds really stupid but day in and day out im finding it increasingly addictive. and i dont like that.

i hate the idea of crutches.

i always have.

it's one of the main reasons i dont drink.

it's also one of the main reasons i dont take pills, ie asprine etc...

i started this blog to be closer to someone to be more appart of her life. which yeah i think thats a pretty ok reason. thats fine. i didnt really expect it to become a part of my life.

i dont like valentia.

i find her whingy and depressive and pathetic and needy and rude and angry and vulger and violent.

and though i am some and all and many of those things from time to time, she is a lot more extreme.

when i write here something else takes over. i dont really understand it.

i wanted to be uncencored here i wanted to be all the ugly things that i am HERE, so that i wouldnt have to be them in real life.

but i dont want to share any more.

it's becoming distructive. its becoming an obsession.

and i dont like valentia and i dont want you to see my as her, cause i know when you meet me you want to call me her name and i dont like that. cause im not her. she scares me alittle, i think she scares you alittle. i dont like that.

i dont think i'll do this any more.

im sorry.

you know when im being a receptionist and im fucking bored and im just surfing, this was nice, it was nice to have you then. and for all you office monkeys this is genius! but for me, for who i am. i dont.

shite.

but ill miss u

ill miss u sammy.

ill miss swan.

ill miss bunny.

but i want, i really want to be appart of this, i like this community but it's making me sad. i cant seem to write here and not be sad. why the fuck is that.  

i should have known this!

i should never have begun this!

when i was younger, i dont know, about 15, i used to do the chatroom thing a lot, and i got SO addicted to it, i got addicted to the lying and the fantasy and i literally had to cut myself off from it cause i got completely immersed, i invented this whole character, this whole me who was a english student and was was gettin slapped about by her boyfriend???

so i shouldnt have done this.

so i should have just ya know, texted the girl!

I'm wondering if i can give this up but still read your blogs and comment cause i dont really want to let you go. but im getting the feeling that thatd be cheating. im gettin the feeling that i cant do that. im gettin sad that this is goodbye.

FUCK

why is this so melodramatic!

its a fucking webpage that i write shit on and fucking imaginary people who i dont even fucking know read!

so yeah if you wanna get it touch get in touch, some of you im already in touch with which is great and shall continue.

sorry hyperion, im really sorry.

all meldramatic *baby it's not you, it's me!!!!!!!!* 

laters aite! peace mo fos.

xxxxxxx 

hello hi hello

blogging dies over the holidays huh! this is my first holiday as a blogger so i wasnt aware of this.

im tired today.

i want to blog something exciting and fun but im far too boring to be capable of that.

i made xmas dinner with my mom. the turkey was well good.

my parents gave me money. thank god.

my house is very hot.

my brother and i had an 'incident' over xmas dinner, enough said.

i met up with seanie and his boyfriend yesterday. his boy is LOVELY. they live together now. they've been together for about 8 months i think ish, and i hadnt met him yet and he is so sweet. hes an absolute gentleman and smart and cute and caring. WELL DONE SEANIE! so that made me happy. i thanked him for looking after sean for me. he needs someone to look after him. NO SERIOUSLY, he does. he doesnt eat properly at all, he doesnt do laundry, hes lost 6 passports, hes always sick. he looked good when i saw him though and he didnt smell of stale sweat and deoderant (oh what a lovely picture im painting!). he bought me a book called egg dancing. i havent started it yet.

i went to my mom's best mates house last night - Funky M. Shes great, her family is a lot younger than ours (even though shes the same age as my mom), her husband was younger than her. he died hmm a couple of months ago now, maybe in august. he had a brain tumour they were waiting for him to pass. i didnt get to go to the funeral. but yeah so last night was the first time id seen her and the family since he died. she talks about him a lot and there are lots of picture of him up. like she just talks about him in sentences like, ' oh yeah when michael and I last year were buying the turkey......' Shes amazing. we stayed til 1am. my mom worries about her, about her being alone. she hugs her a lot more than she used to.

wow this entry is really stilted. im gettin quite stuck as to what to write about, which is very unusual. k so im just gonna stop. merry christmas. 

hm

just had an arguement with my dad

hm

god i really believe in the theories of miseducation, in the idea that one is completely miseducated throughout ones childhood uses the rest of ones fucking long life attempting to reeducate oneself.

nature V nurture

nurture wins out until you hit maybe, hm it was probably 17 for me, im sure it varies from person to person. I think for some people nurture wins out full stop. which is a pity.

because really you're parents dont know jack shit do they? I mean your parents dont know more than anybody else their age, they are not the oracles and you would believe EVERYTHING some random 60 year old told you so why believe all that your parents say. they dont know. of course yes they are older, and yes they have gained a lot of knowledge through time and experience but that's really where it ends.

i believe in nature.

i believe in myself.

i believe in my body.

do you ever wonder what it'd be like to erase your memory? do you ever wonder who youd be if you grew up in a different place with different parents and different teachers and different siblings. do you ever wonder what you'd be like if you had taken up that place to study law and not done drama instead?

i do.

but its ok.

because where I am now. things are quite clear now.

im fighting a lot.

im struggling a lot.

i have a lot of anger.

i have a lot of tears.

but its ok.

because i know all this. i know about the miseducation and i can see it clearly now and i know about my nature and im beginning to know who i am.

will i always be fighting?

yes i think so.

but hopefully less with myself.

my mom just came to talk to me. that was nice.

my skin is looking better.

im going to genies in a bit.

my brother is leaving on wednesday i think.

hes dreadful to them.

they take it.

and seeing that again, i understand me a little bit more.

they hadnt seen him in a year.

my mom says, 'he hasnt changed, hes horrible isnt he'

i say, 'yes'

and i talk and i chatter and i smile and i try and i try and i try to be bigger than him.

'just ignore it'

and im angry at myself. i know what im doing i know im tryin to cover it, i know im filling the silence, i know im easing the tension. but its a cover, its pretense, it's putting a bandage over a wound.

and im angry.

i want them to make a stand.

but they're old. they're tired. they shouldnt have to.

i want to do something i want to make him see.

but he never will.

but HOW DO I KNOW THAT?

well i tried, in the past i've tried.

should i try again now? i dont know.